Back In Flag

So here I am, after a week of the east coast, back in Flagstaff, and as always with leaving home, it comes with mixed emotions.  The new year didn't start great, there's no glory, no girl, and too much gluten (don't worry, just a temporary lack of will power, consider the gluten gone once again).

I've been spending a lot of time in my head lately, (not always a good thing, I know) just thinking about what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and where I want to go with it.

If you read my last post, you read that I am ambitious and hungry, and all of the above.  And I am, I truly am.  I want those things more than I want anything else.  I've already given up a lot to attempt (with no guarantee) to achieve them.

But sometimes I wish I could turn off my brain.  It can be my greatest asset, or my worst enemy. Right now it feels like an enemy.

Don't worry, I'm not going to think myself into abandoning what I'm doing here.  I know that I'm guilty of doing that before.  Running away, but  I'm beyond that stage of my life at this point.  I'm all in, and there is no turning back.  I refuse.

There is no running away anymore.  I've ran from people that care about me, who invest in me, who believe in me.  I've been so terrified of letting them close, that I flee wildly, and hurt them in the process.  And with that I alienate myself.  I recognize this, I've recognized it before.  Multiple people tell me this.  And I'm lonely because of it.

I guess this is a side that people don't see of me frequently, cause I can be good at quelling it and putting it aside.  But hey, we all get a little melancholy sometimes, right?

I don't know, I guess its just word vomit at this point.  I needed an outlet, and this blog seemed like a good place to do it.

Doing this is a lonely pursuit, running in general is.  No one can make it happen, except you.  Which is why I like the sport to begin with.

I recently moved on from my coach out here, for a variety of reasons.  I appreciate everything that he did for me, I really do.  But there are some things we didn't see eye to eye on, and I wholeheartedly believe that it was best for my career to move on and try something different.

So now its time to enter a new phase of training, a new phase of this adventure.  Brain or no brain, I shall continue on.  Its not gonna be easy, this aint no lark.  Some people may believe that this is all fun and games and what not.  But its not, not one bit.  I'm doing what I love, but it comes at a cost.  I'm willing to accept that cost, and the whole process will be heartrending and incredibly difficult at times.  But anyone who has walked down this road will agree, that in the end, it shall be worth it.

For now, I'll coach myself, and use whatever resources I have to craft a training regimen that will work for me in the long run.  I've got a lot to work on, so I guess I should get some shut eye.

Thanks for listening to this bitch session.  Sometimes I just gotta talk myself through these things.

Nick Hilton: The Moderately Talented Distance Runner